Happy/Sadness

For those of you who know me well, you will be aware of the "trouble" I seem to have with women. Firstly I used to fret over being single. Finding despair and self esteem issues in the void of my single life.Secondly I would always attract women in pairs. It would force me to make a decision. One I didn't make well. Which leads me onto point three. I used to make terrible choices on the type of woman/girl who was "right" for me. I seemed to take an option that was ruled by my heart or head and not the two.

After Shiori, a nightmare of a relationship in which I was sucked dry emotionally and mentally, I emerged stronger, yet more harsh. An element of coldness had entered my heart. Relationships were unworthy of my time, my emotion. They were a a serious of misadventures where ups would counter-attacked by lows, and would always end in disappointment.I channelled all my energy into my family. Helping my Dad and co heal from the loss of my Mum. And bizarrely this aided me. Over time my hurt and frustration dropped away.

But this wasn't all down to me. Via emails and MSN conversations, a young Japanese woman, Rie Iwadate was fixing me without me knowing. She was restoring my faith in people. In life. In love. That people are fundamentaly decent. Our relationship grew over distance. Through written words. It was shorn of the shackles of physicality. Even though I did find her attractive.

Then one day it dawned on me. Like an epiphany of light in a dark room. The reason I felt no desire towards other women was because I had all my desire channelled in one direction. Rie's direction. Here was a relationship that had been built over a long distance, yet I felt closer to her than anyone in my life, and definately more so than any of my previous girlfriends.

Did she feel it too ?

She told me she wanted to come to England and visit me. But the caution in me, the scepticsm that has always lived in my heart was fresh now. Gone was the blissfully naive Justin of my first real relationship with Claire. The clinginess that had subverted me before had also vanished.

Yet when she arrived in England on August 29th the connection between us was solid. As soon as I saw her small delicate frame walk through those doors at Heathrow, I felt something in me click. She was real. This moment was real. We had a drink as we waited for the bus back to Bristol. It was euphouric. I had been as important in her life as she had in mine. In the bus station, we chatted and laughed, I could feel her body language as something positive. That she felt the same way as I did. She felt that 1 in a million connection.

And so she is now my girlfriend. No time was wasted whilst she was here. It was perfect. As if the grace of someone above was rewarding me for the sacrifices I had made to get here. We travelled to Bristol, Bath, Cardiff and London. We cooked for each other. Drank beer together. Laughed together. In many ways from the 29th of August until the 9th September we were lost in each other. I have never felt anything like it. Like all my previous relationships have been whispers, dress-rehearsals for this one.

When she left on September 9th, the sadness was unbearably. It was a sadness we shared, which made it even more special and bittersweet. Tears were shed. Promises were made. Promises we both wish to honour. When you find something as special as Rie, you don't throw it away. We miss each other, and will until I return to Japan, and I can hold her in my arms again.....

(This orginally appeared in the Notes section of my Facebook page 11/09/08)